How to hone your 'friendship intuition'

Sometimes you meet a person and just know: You. I want to be friends with you. 

The conversation flows. They make you laugh. You want to know more about them. So you say, "Hey, we should get together sometime!"

Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, has a better idea. Schedule an actual time to hang out. "Pull out your calendar, pick a time, pick a thing to do together and follow through," she says.

"'Sometime' is vague," she says. "The more specific you are, the more likely you're going to get together."

If it's been awhile since you've sought out a new friend and you're feeling a bit rusty, try developing what Vellos calls "friendship intuition." That means knowing who to prioritize, how to spend time together and what to do if the vibes just aren't there.

In a conversation with Life Kit, Vellos shares insights on how to turn a stranger into a friend, based on scientific research and her work as a friendship coach. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Let's talk about how to spot a friend in the wild. Maybe this is in a community space or a group dinner. How do you know if this person has friend potential?  

Notice who you feel warmth with, who you feel safe around. Also notice if they show curiosity about getting to know you more too.

It's not necessarily the most exciting person in the room. They might have a lot of charisma and magnetic charm, but they might not make you feel grounded.

Let's say you meet someone who seems cool. How might you ask them to hang out? 

A common mistake that people make when they're trying to build a new friendship is they wait too long to see that new acquaintance again. And in that time, the spark can fizzle out.

There's research about how long it takes to convert an acquaintance into a friend. It comes from the work of Jeffrey Hall at University of Kansas.

He quantified how many hours it takes to convert a stranger into a friend: More than 30 for a casual friend. [Those hours] really need to be compressed, preferably in those first several weeks of meeting each other.

This research confirms what your intuition might say, which is: If you spend a lot of time together when the relationship is new, it's more likely to stick.

A lot of times, adults will follow some kind of arbitrary rule that says you can't hang out two days in a row, or you can't see somebody more than once a week. Unfortunately, this is why so many friendships fizzle out.

As for what to do together, you suggest picking an activity that's memorable. 

Coffee dates are fine. A lot of people default to them for a first date. But coffee is forgettable. It doesn't feel important. It's easy to cancel and it doesn't give you a lot of fodder for conversation.

So pick something that's a little more interesting. It's going to amp up the excitement, [and people are more likely] not to cancel.

So if you tell me you're into knitting, I might be like, "Hey, there's this exhibit of really cool yarn art. Do you wanna go?" You're probably more likely to say yes because it's something you actually care about.

There's another benefit. Researchers at Cornell University found that when people who don't know each other very well do an out-of-the-ordinary experience together, that bonds them a lot faster than doing a run-of-the-mill activity, like just another coffee.

When we do something a little unusual, that novelty draws both of your attention and gives you a memory you can have together. [Going to] a classic car show or a vegan food truck festival is going to be a lot more memorable than that latte.

What if you start hanging out and realize you don't actually like them?  

It's OK not to take this train all the way to the bestie station.

Decide if you actually want to stop seeing them, or if you simply want to move them into the outer ring of connection.

There really are rings. There's your inner circle. The next ring is friends you might invite to a birthday party. The next ring is [people you'd] be happy to see randomly, but don't seek out. Then it's [people] who you're OK with being strangers.

Let's say you do have a new friend. It's going well. You've been out a few times. What are some ways to make the friendship stick? 

I often say there's four seeds of connection: compatibility, frequency, proximity and commitment. I describe this in my book. If these four elements are present, it is more likely that this friendship is going to last.

The first one is compatibility. Hopefully there's enough mutual interest and chemistry there that you want to keep going. Then it's frequency. How often are you seeing each other? Proximity is how much time you can spend in person, face-to-face. How close can you be?

Over time, if you're both committed, you both become dedicated to the friendship.

The story was edited by Meghan Keane. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].

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